6amAlarm clock rings... Wake up the body that hurts. It hasn't been caressed, it hasn't accidentally kicked anyone in sleep, it hasn't ordered anyone to go sleep on the couch tonight. It definitely cannot expect anyone opening the bedroom door and alluring with a scent of coffee and a freshly shaved perfumed face..
6:15am
Wake up the kids with added masculinity in the voice and a toughened expression on a face that already has enough components to build foundations for deeper wrinkles of insomnia. Gently kiss good mornings on the foreheads of the gifts of life and open the wardrobe to scroll through clean uniform items with eyes wide closed.
Accessorize this process with frequent visits to the kitchen to start the coffee machine and set the table for breakfast, while screaming on different frequencies with different motherly loving intonations "Put on your socks, Did you put on your socks?" - "Put on your shoes, did you put on your shoes?" "Comb your hair, did you comb your hair?". Repeat every sentence at least ten times and imagine that every time you do the checkup walk over every item you demand crossing kitchen, corridor your room his room her room, you're doing your dreamed-upon-a-star routine on a treadmill.
6:50am
Breakfast passes relatively silent with some music playing in the background with cat meowing to it. then make everyone brush their teeth.
7:15am
Kiss them good bye, close the door. stand for a second and realise what you drank was not the real coffee. Stand in the corridor for a little longer and absolutely indulge the perfect silence and the cool breeze walking through the house. Make an effort not to drop into deep sleep right there on the floor. Walk to the kitchen, pour yourself the coffee, sit down and start drinking...
7:30am
Talking to him in my mind while turning the page of a fashion magazine intended to serve as a research material for the next shopping trip two months ago... Read about French women loosing cellulite only to switch your brain back to thinking of him. Breakfast with him, breakfast for him, breakfast from him... Whatever the source, wish there was a "him"...
8-9am
Shower, dress, go to work, all mechanical, running kids' schedule and work schedule on simultaneous mental spreadsheets that make one numb towards the sound of the shower or Beirut traffic for that matter... Everything else is a garnish of colors and scents that do not matter because you did not give one another a morning good bye kiss, farewelling one another to work. There are sceneries one after another that scroll the car from one Beirut neighborhood to another, one autostrat to another. Not noticing it really. What images accompany his way to work? A fact unknown, hence make your immediate surroundings choosingly unknown to you.
9am - 4pm
Work with pleasure, exchange messages mixed with dreams of ever being together and advising on one another's work. Q & A how the kids are doing. make a joint statement on a teacher's nasty note... Computers, mobile phones, everything pointing the distance.
4pm-9pm
Run run run - from activity to another, talk to friends, nag them about him not being here, cut them short of any nagging as long as they've got their "him" next to them, making it feel like a charity on how-not-to-take-your-husband-for-granted. Hang up, feel bad for not being able to focus on how they are, how their day was... He's not here, nothing else matters...
9pm-11pm
Meet a close friend for coffee, make sure her "him" is also far away, have a blast about latest jokes and pitfalls in life with similar enthusiasm and intensity. Eat Beirut, Nargile Beirut, Sing Beirut, never forget him=never forget Beirut
11pm
Come home, talk to him, hide your frustration that one more day passed by and we still haven't made it over the rainbow, cry, laugh, nag, praise, shout, apologize...good night..
Midnight
Feel the closeness... In all darkness, there's no longer any visible distance. He dreams, you dream, meet in a parallel universe, somewhere over the rainbow release a joint thought on how you two are together and strong because the threads we're weaving for one another ought to be of highest, most creative and most flexible quality... Threading a nest for two and plus, making a stamp of our own fabric for neither a past- a foundation no longer seen but leaned upon, nor a future - a dream of dream of dreams to look forward to but never long for it without checking the potential pits... but for a present be that present nested in the Middle Earth -neither sky, nor ground - no time and no space - for the One from above has joined us in a Holy Matrimony come rain or snow... For I love you so...
