Autism! Yes, YOU! Talk to me of my son,
Tell me how he's doing for you won't let him
tell me himself how he feels...
My beautiful boy, my son,
Whom I whisper "My sun shine" every single day...
He was only 1, but YOU, you're so much older
and bolder than me and him and millions before us...
YOU that had your hands around his throat
When he'd try to utter a word with a 2 year old's charm
and yet... a helpless cry, a cringe was all that would
bang its way into my heart so broken by YOU...
His cringe and the helpless way in which his eyes would look into mine
For only a second...
Yes, only a second, for YOU -
had not allowed him to look onto me, or his father,or sister, or brother...
YOU'd left him the sideways as angles for him
to observe all of us..
YOU'd pushed him to corners, to wonder alone, to crawl,
to walk, to look at the birds and the sky
but never at people, never at even himself...
He didn't know he had arms and feet and a heart
YOU'd had him indifferent!
YOUR laughter so dark, so demonic,
shooting pain through my soul, through my mind...
Making me wonder - lost in time and space -
if he'd ever walk by my side, hold my hand,
walk the streets, look the skies, then turn and tell me
"Look Mommy, it's the sun!"...
If he'd ever hold a pen in his hands and write,
or draw on papers, on walls, on curtains...wherever!
If he'd ever utter "I love you" and not helplessly walk around me in circles...
If he'd ever...
God, YOU'd had me in grips and in grieves,
YOU took me and my son's father and turned us
into a Penelope and an Odisseas...
Me - sitting in lonliness and dark...
Him - travelling around, meeting monsters,
Begging monsters - "My son is with YOU! What should we do?"
He'd ask from demigods and elves and mermaids and friends...
Where does this lonely boat lead us?
How many swords should I gain to repel the "YOU-monster"?
YOU had me until one day...that day - exhausted from insomnia
and prayers and tears and heart wrenching beats,
and travels to doctors, to centers, to schools...
ONE DAY - I stopped going around the world,
I started to rotate around myself...
Oh, indeed! I'd rotate around like a dervish -
there was sunshine from windows, but my soul was so darkened by YOU...
I wanted the sun to take YOU out of me...
And I danced, in circles I went, for an hour or so,
The music went on. I forgot where I was, who I was,
And through the motion of blurs I saw HIM
in an utter wonder, standing at one point of the room,
no longer he was listening to YOU and turning his back to me
no longer was he feeling YOU and looking away from me..
He was looking straight into my eyes through the blur,
each time he'd get a glimpse of them, his stared into mine...
And I didn't stop, I turned and I turned and danced the dervish inside me ahead...
Then a miracle happened, he stretched his arms up,
I stopped, took his hands into mine, held them strong,
and around we went, in circles, for more, and for far away,
We'd circle around while his eyes kept straight on
Looking into mine... For the first time EVER!
YOU were gone...
***
Don't be taken aback, these lines are not hopeless,
They're a story of truth on how cruel it is like to be living with YOU,
I've now chased YOU and chained YOU and YOU're listening to me!
And HE - he now talks and he reads and he writes... and he dreams,
And guess what? YOU're not in THOSE dreams!
